One of these that I wrote down was, "the lesson will repeat as needed." It didn't mean anything specific to me until I needed reminding. Lately, as I dream, or meditate, or go about my life, the same messages come through again and again. They come in clumps of the same message, until I finally understand the nudge and follow it's direction.
These past few months, and especially the last few weeks, the nudge has been to create space. It repeats that nothing new can ever get in until I let go of some of the negatives I have been holding on to.
I knew exactly what it was nudging me toward, I think we all know.
I see my body like my house, and over time, it has accumulated so much shit that I don't even know how it all got there. Hoarding emotions. I see it like tripping over the same mess over and over without picking it up. Or having a ransacked closet, and every time I go in to grab one thing, the whole mess falls out on top of me. I see it as those boxes in the garage that I don't want to go through. I know I don't need them anymore, but I hang onto them thinking I might need them one day (or maybe it's just that I don't know what I'll have left in my house if I get rid of all those things).
There was one box that whenever my eyes landed on it, I would quickly look away and pretend I hadn't seen it. Because it hurt to see.
There are hurts that we might complain about, then there are the hurts that we pretend aren't there. It was the latter for me.
There are so many reason to hoard our house of emotions. And the reason I didn't sort through my shit was, if I take that box down and take everything out, then I will have a mess spread all over my house. What if, when it comes down to it, I can't part with it? What if they don't fit back into the box?
I knew, when it nudged me, which boxes in the garage it was referring to. And I procrastinated, and messed around with the slightly smaller boxes and ignored the bigger ones. But, the same lesson kept repeating, and reluctantly I lifted that one off the shelf.
In the grand scheme of the world, the universe, it is a small box; nothing that anyone else would call noteworthy. But, it was the one taking up the space in my garage. I was 11 years old and I treated a friend so terribly that I can still hear the way she cried and I feel so so much guilt and shame every time I see the box. I opened it knowing that I can't undo what I did. When I looked I realized I can't even remember this girls name; that didn't make it any easier. I sat with it, I saw it, I put a name to it; shame. I tried to think about the lesson I learned from it, it was hard to see, but it did teach me that I didn't ever want to be that mean person again.
Then I said goodbye to it; it wasn't ready to go. It's still with me, slightly diluted. And I realized it is going to take more than one 20 minute meditation for me to forgive. So I am writing it out, I am admitting my shame. And I am sending her love and my apology whenever that old thought comes back to my mind. Love is stronger than any other emotion. I'll continue to send her love until my heart knows she no longer needs it and we can let it go and forgive. After we will both be left with space in our homes for better things.
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